U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
wow bdsm is so cute
Shame - the story of my life.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
