I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
