i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
