how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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