so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize