Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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