How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
