you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
