Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize