Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
