is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
