There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
