Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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