Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
