Ambien. No doubt about it.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
