Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
My bed smells like the plague
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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