Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My penis needs a shock collar
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
