just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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