i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
