I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
