I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
