New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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