woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
