i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
