yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
