I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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