Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
