I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
