I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
