Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
