I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
