i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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