my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
