Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
