Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
