Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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