i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
