I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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