Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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