i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
