i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
