Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Randomize
