The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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