my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
