wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
