great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
