I hate your face
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
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