god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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