I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize