I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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