Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
