she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I didn't notice because vodka
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The Wolf of Wall Street āI aināt fuckinā leaving!ā speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests š
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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