I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
