you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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