I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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