I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
