There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
don't judge my taste in strippers
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
