For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
