I saw his package. It spoke to me.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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